Snap Judgment
by Dalia Faupel
May 2, 2007

One night, about a week after Valentine’s Day 1992, Gretchen Chambers1 was adding water to the vase of wilting roses on her kitchen table when her fiancée said the dreaded words, “We have to talk.” And it was that talk. Their fighting had been on hiatus over the romantic holiday, but that day they had fought from morning till night. After three years, he wanted out – he said her explosive temper, her jealous snooping, and her refusal to compromise were the deal breakers.

She tried to talk him out of leaving for an hour, but by then he had had enough, and headed for the door. Desperate to get his attention, she grabbed the vase and threw it at him. It shattered near his head and gave him a nasty cut. He wouldn’t even let her touch him, and left her apartment bleeding. She called to check on him – he had to get stitches - but she never saw him again.

“That wasn’t the first time I’d been violent when I couldn’t control a situation,” said Gretchen. “But it was the first time I drew blood, and I realized that this was the whole reason he was trying to get away from me.”

The relationship was clearly over, but Gretchen quickly began a new one – with a therapist. And in this relationship, she learned how to communicate her feelings without physicality.

Many of us lose our temper over issues surrounding partners, children, money, or the car trying to pass us on the right – but few of us are driven to murder. So few that just 7% of homicides in this country are committed by women. With sketchy details emerging from Virginia Tech the day so many students were gunned down, the nation had time to imagine the monster behind the gun. How many envisioned a woman as the perpetrator? Did anyone doubt it was a man? This is why the idea of a female killer is so unique and compelling.

Even so, we can’t seem to get enough of stories about women who have snapped. Recent examples of this behavior, splashed across our television screens because of their titillation factor, include:

• Lynn Turner, Georgia’s infamous “antifreeze killer,” who poisoned both her boyfriend and her previous husband with antifreeze
• Mary Winkler, who was found guilty in the shooting death of her husband, pulpit minister Matthew Winkler in Tennessee
• NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak, who took an unbelievable detour trying to hold on to her man (not her husband), driving 900 miles - wearing diapers to make better time – to allegedly confront a romantic rival over pepper spray and a weapon

Deborah Dawkins, executive producer of the Oxygen network true crime program Snapped, created the series to explore what causes a small minority of women to do the unthinkable. The series, now in its fifth season, has a loyal following.

“Our audience relates to the situations of the women we profile,” said Dawkins. “Many of these women were living lives like most women we know, with families and jobs and everyday stresses.” But at some point, these women make a choice to commit a crime that most would not. If there is a common thread that can be seen in these women’s stories, Dawkins thinks it’s their “desire to have it all,” which in each case can be defined very differently.

Whatever the payoff - freedom, money, or love - something drove them to break the law to get it. A combination of stressors converged, and pushed them over the edge. But do these women really go along normally in life until somebody pushes all their buttons at once and they get stuck in a rage they can’t overcome?

Dr. Nancy O’Reilly of Springfield, Mo., a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of the WomenSpeak Project, thinks not.

“If you look at each individual example of women who commit or attempt crimes of passion you’ll generally see a pattern of abuse (with the woman as victim), addiction, mental health issues, or just a history of poor judgment and impulse control as evidenced by infidelity, trouble with anger, and the like.”

Dr. Patricia Daza, a staff psychologist with the Menninger Clinic in Houston, thinks that some women are less able to cope with major life disruptors like divorce or loss because they lack a social support system and the ability to connect with others to share their difficulties. As well, women who have a history of trauma through abuse are less likely to trust others and seek professional services.

Bear in mind that at some times it’s “normal to feel out of control,” according to Dr. Daza. “If you had a series of stressors like the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or fear of bankruptcy,” it’s ok to be off kilter temporarily. But, “if this feeling is not temporary, it is important to seek the help of a professional.”

For those who find themselves dancing too close to the edge, for whatever reason, there is help and hope, too. Coping skills can be taught, according to Dr. Daza, and through the process, people learn why they may have difficulty reaching out for help, and how they can deal with things they can’t control.

Gretchen Chambers - now a married mother of two who benefited from counseling to control her temper - made a change in her behavior after seeing what she did to a loved one. But for some, it takes seeing themselves in another’s story to realize their need for help. Because the issues presented often strike a chord with viewers, episodes of Snapped dealing with abusive and domestic violence situations provide contact information for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

And, according to Dr. O’Reilly, many who staff such organizations’ hotlines really know about such issues firsthand. “Often those who have worked through crises themselves go on to help others as part of healing process. Giving a hand to someone who needs it now could mean that she’ll give a hand to someone else when she’s strong enough.”

On the mend or over the edge?

Dr. Daza defines being truly out of control as “when your behavior starts impact your social and occupational functioning.” If you can’t turn your attention to things other then your own misery, it’s clear there’s a problem. Since life is all about change and stress, Drs. O’Reilly and Daza recommend taking out some “snap insurance.” Your policy should include:

• A support system of family and friends
• Knowledge of stress management techniques
• An outlet for helping others (volunteerism, caring for a pet)
• A support group for particular issues (many are just a Google search away!)
• A solid sleep routine
• Regular Exercise

Source

Mom's Easy Chair

Resources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline - Call 1-800-799-SAFE or visit ndvh.org
• National Mental Health Association - nmha.org