Ask Your Psychologist
Dr. Nancy D. O'Reilly, PsyD

Nancy D. O'Reilly, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and founder of the WomenSpeak Project, has worked with women in a strategic, problem-solving fashion for more than 25 years. She reaches out to her audience with humor and uses real-life stories and approaches to help women find the information they need to fulfill their potential.

She is passionate about the WomenSpeak Project, which she founded in order to educate and offer women a place to share the experience of growing older in a positive and rewarding atmosphere. During more than 10 years of research she has asked women of all ages the hard questions about growing older in a youth-driven society. Women find comfort knowing that they are not the only ones who fear aging and who wonder if their value as a person will be compromised.

Dr. Nancy speaks frequently on women and aging, biofeedback, depression, migraine, mental health, constructive confrontation, workplace violence, and stress management. She gives radio and TV interviews, has published professional articles, and has presented her research at the national conference of the American Psychological Association. Her outreach to her readers continues to grow with a newly designed web site, ongoing focus groups and through her web site WomenSpeak.com. The free Ask Dr. Nancy service offers women online screening advice, and women can review a wealth of resources about Health and Wellness, Relationships, Finances and Aging itself.

She is a Nationally Certified Traumatologist, Nationally Certified Crisis Responder and Crisis Team Leader, and was a People-to-People Ambassador and Wellness Delegate to Beijing and Shanghai, China for Health Providers in Holistic Medicine. She is a member of National Organization of Victim Assistance, American Psychological Association, National Wellness Association, Primary Care Network, American Counseling Association, American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (clinical member), and Psi Chi National Honor Society (Psychology). In addition, she serves on the boards of directors or steering committees for Primary Care Network, Springfield Trust Company, Community Crisis Team of the Ozarks, Community Foundation of the Ozarks, and Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks.

Daughter's Loser Boyfriends

Dear Dr. Nancy,

My daughter keeps choosing the same lousy loser guys for her boyfriends. They are mean yet she's always trying to please them. I feel guilty because her dad was an abuser too and I stayed with him until she was 10. Is it my fault she's making the same mistakes I did? What should I do? ~Grieving Mother

Dear Mother,

It is sad but true that what we live with and see as children affects the route and choices we make. Your daughter is merely finding men who remind her of her father and his behaviors. By no means is this a conscious process. She does not have information about choosing a healthy non-abusive man and may need to have counsel as to the "reasons" she is drawn into destructive relationships. Domestic violence and abuse is found in families of all socio-economic levels regardless of your age, the color of your skin, what church you attend or what job you have. It is cycle of negative behaviors that are often learned from generation to the next. Please don’t blame yourself and find hope in knowing that it can also be ended in your generation. Please seek a professional counselor in your present location to help both you and your daughter to understand the cycle of domestic violence and how you and your daughter can break out of this vicious cycle. ~Dr. Nancy

Getting Old Worries

Dear Dr. Nancy,

I can't stop worrying about getting old. I have recurring nightmares - that I'm living on cat food, or hideously wrinkled, or a bag lady, or sick and old and alone. Actually I'll have a small pension and social security, so it can't be that bad. What's wrong with me? ~Louisa

Dear Louisa,

You are not alone. Women are becoming 50 years old every second. This can be a decade of fears and tears for older women, especially for those who have few financial resources and are working long and hard and not making it on the salaries they earn. Most women are afraid they might have a health problem and not be able to support themselves. Our society does not reward women as they age in our society and you may be feeling this at some unconscious level. Get out there and talk to other women about your concerns. There is strength in numbers. Do not let your fears paralyze you. Be active, get support and make solid plans for your future in a positive fashion and aging will not take you by surprise or bring fear. ~Dr. Nancy

Still Hot at 65

Dear Dr. Nancy,

My husband of 36 years almost never wants to make love any more, although everything else in our relationship seems good. We're not that old, so I'm not ready to let go of our physical relationship yet. How can I keep our love life alive? ~Still hot at 65

Dear Hot,

There are many wonderful books out there about men and women and lovemaking long after 60s-70s years. It is different and can be pretty darn good if you and your husband take time to talk about what you each want and expect. He may think you do not find him desirable and you may wonder yourself. (We will add a reading list to the WomenSpeak Web site soon.) Sexual contact can continue to be a very important part of any relationship. Talking and communicating your needs are very important. Let him know you are alive and want him in your life and in your arms and light the fire and turn down the lights. Be well. I really like this little saying: “Laugh often, live well and love much.” ~Dr. Nancy

Too Old for Love?

Dear Dr. Nancy,

My husband and I divorced after 30years of marriage, and now I'm in a wonderfully satisfying relationship with a man 12 years younger than me. The problem is my daughter, who is enraged and disapproving. She says awful things to me and restricts my contact with her three children, whom I adore. Should I give up my new guy to keep the peace? I'd really miss him. ~Too old for love?

Dear Love,

Congratulations on finding love in your life. What a blessing and what a comfort you have found. Your daughter is married and has children and should know that her relationship is a private matter. What would she do if you decided that her husband was just not good enough for her and she should get rid of him? If this relationship is as satisfying as you say I do not see that you should have to choose. Give it time and let your daughter know that you love her and your grandchildren but this man is very important to you. Ask that she understand "this is my time and for the first time in a long time I am happy." What could she possibly say that would question that? You have to live your life and she has to live hers. She is a big girl and yes, you are too. May you live, love and laugh...your time has come. ~Dr. Nancy

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